There is no internet in madagascar

Right so I have to make this snappy because we snuck into the poshest hotel in tana the capital to actually get a connection so I am writing from a conference room and feel very important

Another thing the keyboard is all messed up here and jumbled so it takes me a lot longer to write anything because it requires thinking about where to put my fingers and unlike the rest of my sex I am not a multi tasker

First off sorry to

mamdukes dad claire kevin ben chris steve jen steph shani iona sarah ruth ann nasty andy katrina mejulie laura eileen helena and maya the gatlin gun and everyone else I cant think of who e,ailed me

not so ,uch for not replying but not blogging it seems but believe me the creative juices have been flowing ive had four weeks of thinking of entries and theyve mainly been puntastic lemur related

did I say this keyboard was difficult to use?

The malagash didnt have a written language until the british came along and they took the alphabet but disgarded certain letters so thats why theyre all in a corner at the side of the keyboard

right on to puns

all in favour say aye aye ayeaye are a nocturnal lemur who look like a cross betzeen yoda on crack and nosferatu with long spindly skeletal fingers but i now think those fingers look like those of et and a, no longer terrified of them rattling on ,y window in the middle of the night baying for my blood

your maki me crazy!!!! maki are the ring tailed lemur and are by far the coolest creatures ever they look like robbers with their stripes and behave like a rowdy group of bandits we were in the middle of a rather noisy turf war and i had the honour of being poohed on i see the pellets that hit ,e as friendly fire theyre really just like jumpy cats

what sifaka matter with you another type of le,ur look more like apes and less like cats so I didnt like them as much

unballeinable!!! the french baleine for whales we went out on a tiny boat and saw mums and baby humpbacked whales breach and then the mums charged us but we had a motor a hair dryer of a motor but enough to make a quick getaway

only mad dogs and englishmen get boozed up on emirates in reference to the hammered expat 75 year old on his way to hong that I sat next to and got zrecked and kept ordering wine for me putting it on my tray and then downing in he told lots of tales of fighting tigers and whatnot and at one point whipped off his belt

kenyan caberet

taxi brousse bombastic in mada you travel about in mini vans where they attempt each time to make a world record in the number of people and chickens you can fit in a vehicle while also trying to break another record for the largest speakers you can fit under the seat and also a combined record of the nu,ber of people you can get to vibrate because of the distortion on a mini bus

then weve also had tails of wizzards and during my two day sojourn in nairobi I learned that a lot of african people think whites arabs and far eastern people pretty much look the same only we whiteys and arabs have long noses; i so dont have a long nose!

for a while i thought about naming my entries from mada the rhum diaries as it is a staple of the diet that and rice for breakfast lunch and dinner and I have to say that the best restaurant I went to was on ile saint marie and was called pirates of the carribean and had a big poster in front

people here are very poor poor like ive seen in asia but somehow it seems worse here for many reasons maybe its because they have western clothes that are made to fall apart in a year and arent supposed to be worn for a decade and people walk around like shipwrecked survivors of the incredible hulk with their clothes in shreds or maybe its because they are so completely exploited by the american and japanese pharmaceutical companies who come here and take their rich medicinal fauna and manufacture the drugs somewhere else and sell them here at extortionate prices or maybe its because of the british and the french who stole their spices and vanilla and saphires or the few wealthy malagash who monopolise all the industries from yoghurt to tarmac and
only bring inflation and more foreigners who buy land get get rich themselves or maybe its becauqe they have nothing but they want to give you value for money and then invite you out for a drink after or if you look lost they offer directions even pousse pousse drivers even though they may potentially be losing a fare. There is no chip on the shoulder? Theyre like the true embodiment of every religious dogma? I dont get it?

Anyway loads more to write tomorrow in nairobbery!!!! Yeah computers!!!! And pictures too!!!!

Back to kenya to more big busomed ladies who tell you they love you and men who come sit down next to you pull out a safe lock and ask if you happen to be carrying one around yourself